You know what the media usually has to say about us disabled
folk. We use up your tax dollars riding around in our expensive mini buses, for
which we enjoy obscene prices and crummy service. We “overcome” a lot, sell a
lot of Kleenex, and inspire others by doing inspiring things like drinking
chocolate milkshakes and waking up in the morning. We serve our purpose for
those kind of segments, but it never makes the news when we really do something
worth hooting about, like fight for our rights or make noise about socially
constructed obstacles. Increasing the employment rate? Boring. Making our
neighborhoods accessible? So dry. Don’t they build ramps for that? No such
achievements make the news, and our usual spokesperson is a celebrity that hurt
her hip for like, two weeks, and “totally knows how hard it is.”
But friends, America is getting bored with those feel-good
wheelies. People, after all, are so commonplace. Ladies and gentleman,
cripplekind has a new ambassador, who will surely convey the message of our
community’s most pressing issues… the ever popular cute and cuddly disabled
animal. Chris P. Bacon, a pig with two legs, who currently uses a wheelchair,
went viral on the net, garnering media attention, fans, and support from
everywhere. Now, before you all jump on me for poking fun at our little friend,
know this. I like animals. I really do. I’m all for looking at pictures of cute
piggies. And pigs with medical equipment? Oh be still my beating heart! We were
made for each other! But all kidding aside, consider this. The last time a
disabled person did something newsworthy, really
newsworthy, beyond the realm of “inspiration porn”, how many people looked up
from their morning coffee? A person in a wheelchair getting services they’ve
been fighting for stirs few in the press. People
in wheelchairs getting justice proves uninteresting to most. Didn’t they
feel happy when we let them go to school? But those cute animals… an adorable
pig in a wheelchair? Call Oprah! Call Piers Morgan! Call the President!
Friends, I hope you’re ready for my startling conclusion. America has spoken!
Our needs would attract more attention if we were four legged farm animals with
wheels attached to our butts. Yes, yes, the truth hurts. America loves disabled
animals! They’re so inspirational, at a fraction of the economic cost! So, I
began my research. Surely, as a real live person with a POWER wheelchair, I
could gather such fame! But how? It just took a few keystrokes on Google to
hear it straight from Chris P.’s vet. Dr. Lucero attributes the pig’s
popularity to “a combination of the handicap, the toy wheelchair, and the
adorable noises he makes while scooting around on the carpet.” Hm. I possess
all three popularity- inducing qualities, if you consider groaning floorboards
to be an adorable noise. Things weren’t adding up. Why don’t I have 450,000
YouTube fans. Aha! I know! His old-fashioned wheelchair made from toy K’nex.
Sheesh, when did overpriced plastic and foam become old news. It’s not my fault
the insurance company doesn’t cover K’nex! As I research further, my horror intensifies.
Chris P. Bacon has a thriving Twitter account, a Facebook fan page, a blog! I
truly have been squandering my life as a cripple. Part of the reason I started
this blog is so I could measure up to Chris P. Next thing I know, I stumble
upon another enviable truth. Chris P. has a line of tee shirts, and an original
song written for him called “Pig on Wheels” by a good-looking stranger. The
last time I attempted to have a fine gentleman write a song about me, he muttered “Bless her heart” and
told me to Google “Climb Every Mountain” from the Sound of Music. I thought
“Woman on Wheels” had a nice ring to it, but no one seemed interested. Just
when I thought this little oinking wonder pig couldn’t lower my self-esteem
much more, he does. I’m cute, cuddly, I like being with people. For Pete’s
sake, I’m even toilet trained, and still, this pig outshines me. While the
employment rate for disabled people is
around twenty percent due to various institutional barriers, Mr. Bacon has
landed a three book deal! Perhaps he’d be willing to consider a fourth book,
featuring say… me? A girl in a wheelchair with a pig in a wheelchair? Your grandma is cooing just thinking about it.
Mr. Bacon has also established a gig “bringing smiles and hope to the
disabled.” Thank god, we may never smile otherwise! While I’m waiting to
achieve comparable fame, feel free to inquire about shirts with my face on
them. I’ll even scoot on your carpet, if you’re nice.
Maybe if you wore a pair of fuzzy ears and a pin-on tail...? (Actually, I kinda would like to see that on youtube :P )
ReplyDeleteJust figured out how to reply to these comments again. Thanks so much for the laugh and for reading
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